Thinspiration. vol.4. Theatre of Shadows

Mother

Oh my... I love my Mom, but sometimes there's just too much of her around. She's very friendly, active, communicative, even talkative, always trying to organise everyone and everything... I'm of a totally different breed. I need to be alone at least for an hour a day, just to settle down all my thoughts and feelings. I love walking around the town... alone. And with the prospect of hospital towering over me (closer, sooner, inevitable...), no wonder I've been quite moody lately. Sorry, Mom, it's not your fault, it's me... or you being a helicopter parent? Or both of us...

To the point.
My relationship with food has been strange lately. I didn't count calories and I even stopped writing down what I eat two days ago. That's not right, but I just can't make myself do it. I simply estimate the amount of calories... and eat.

It's too hot to go cycling, so I just run (15-20 min) and walk (45-40 min) on the treadmill and swim (15-20 min). I gave up yoga because I have to admit it - I don't like it. It's boring and implies too much philosophical background. Nevertheless I'm going to try pilates when I'm back home from hospital. Also I do exercises at home whenever possible: push-ups, crunches, etc. I think (and hope) it's a nice little compromise between me wanting my weight down and doctor's prescriptions and rules.

I'm strong. I'll get what I want.

Summer again

I'm going to hospital on July, 1st. Fuck...

Eating, exercising, perhaps getting thinner, perhaps getting fatter... don't care.
I want to go to hospitel sooner, so it will be over sooner as well...


Hot. Fat. Eh...

Summer and woolen legwarmers

Who called this... this... this autumn summer? I'm warming my numb fingers, holding my big mug of hot green tea... sitting in an armchair with my net book, a warm blanket draped over my shoulders... the rain is banging on the window... but I'm still wearing shorts, because it's summer!

Enough with small talk about weather (how typical!), to the point now.

Two pieces of news, good and bad as usual. Good: I managed not to gain weight during the trip. Bad: the weight is still 154 lbs (72 kg). BUT: it's only a gain of 0,05% of body fat percentage. And my lean body weight (my bones and muscles) turned from 110 lbs into 112 lbs. I'm getting stronger, fitter, healthier. At last I've worked out how to deal with my own body, how to train, how to feed it, how to pamper it... I just love painting my nails in the night... cause it keeps me off the fridge. It's too stupid to ruin a several hour work just to get something to chew.

About physical activity. Mon: 30 min workout concentrating on legs. My mom actually kept disturbing me and   I couldn't exercise properly. She'll go in for dramatics if she learns I exercise. She thinks because of my illness I should just lay down and do nothing, and I just can't explain her that this doing nothing is killing me.
Oh, getting back to the point: Tuesday: 10 min running, 40 min walking, 15 min swimming. I've got a running nose so it was pretty difficult to breathe properly while running. I wish I could run more. Wed: full-body workout which lasted 1 hour + awesome little stretching session. My thighs are aching, which is so-o-o-o nice...

My relationship with food is getting better. I learn to be independent of it, but still I do binge sometimes. Actually I'm binging on healthy products, like iceberg salad or even lettuce, but still it's a binge. Loosing control - that's what counts.


I'm afraid of going back to hospital. I'll have to do it in 10 days. I won't be able to exercise, only - probably, if I'm lucky enough - walk for an hour or so. That sucks so much it actually spoils my life right now. But... where can you escape to from a submarine, as my friend says.

I will stay strong. I will remain in control.

 Stay strong, think thin. Everything is possible.

Fitspiraton. Vol.3 Divine legs

Mom's Birthday and atonement

Well... to put long story short, it was very tasty. And wa-a-a-ay too much. In fact so tasty I don't care it was a full-scale great binge!!!!

Anyway, I admit I'm guilty of eating too much, and I am determined to make up for it.

Yesterday it was 40 min fast walking + 15 min jogging and 20 min swimming + hydra massage. Today I woke up with sore throat, but still did cardio: 30 min walking + 20 min jogging. My face was red, my pulse was about 180-190, but I was utterly happy. Oh, and my calves ache like hell.

Bad thing the weekend is lost. I go for a trip with my parents and boyfriend, so the only thing I would do to is controlling my calorie intake. I hope I won't binge again.

Peer Pressure

That' what I experience. The girls of around my height are so much skinnier than me... the models of around my height are so much skinnier than me... girls smaller than me are skinnier... girls bigger than me are skinnier... why everybody in this world weights less than me?!

What should I do?

Eat less?

Fast?

Exercise more?

Leave everything as it is and wait?

Realize that I'll never be a model?

Go to bed and stop ranting?

Today I did a 40 min workout on all muscle groups, yesterday were 4 hours of cycling, Saturday - 1 hour workout + stretching.

Thinspiration. vol.2. Aqua

Super day off

What's the point in having a day off work if you spend the whole day cleaning, scrubbing, washing, vacuuming, ironing, folding, putting away, dusting, moping, cleaning, rubbing, washing, washing, rubbing, cleaning... Oh my... that's also the reason why I haven't done any exercises today. But I still hope cleaning would count.

Food was... well, I could have done better. Not a disaster, but next time I should make wiser choices in terms of calories and amount of food. I mean it's better to eat a more of low-calorie something than a tiny piece of high-cal stuff. The first makes you full with less calorie intake, while the second doesn't even satisfy the craving properly.

In the evening went to my friends. Turned out I walk minimum 2 kilometers every day, more usually about 4-5 km. That's nice, but it didn't help me to lose weight so far... that still means I was (and maybe am) eating too much.

So tired... And still have a lot of ironing left for tomorrow.

Please, may I rather go to work tomorrow?

Thinspiration. vol.1. Summer herbs

Some beauties for us...

Hot hot hot...

It's so hot I want live underwater. My head aches like it's going to explode, which means thunderstorm is coming... Oh, come sooner, please, I can't bear this thick, sticky, chocking hotness and burning sun any more...

Anyway, to the point. My yoga instructor is off on holiday for the whole June! Disaster! The guy who comes instead of her is a perfect sadist, so I won't attend the classes for sometime. That's really, really bad... but on the other hand I've got loads of video to practice on my own, so things are not THAT bad after all :)

Today I did 50 min cardio training (almost running! I swear I will make it to nice jogging next week!), followed by 20 min swimming. The swimming pool is tiny, so I'm bored to death swimming from one side to another like 2 times in 1 minute. But that will have to do, the big pool is too far and too expensive for me.
Nice thing is that they have such a thing installed in the pool... it does some hydra massage, which is good for my big fat hips. I'll try to use it every time I go swimming.

Yesterday it was 1 hour of yoga, 35 min cardio and 20 min swimming.

The food is not quite nice, cause yesterday my mom invited me to a restaurant. The salad with salmon and vegetable soup were OK, but foccachio and Cola were definitely wrong. And I added some pineapple and a tiny piece of dark (75% cocoa) chocolate at home in the night, when my uncle and his wife turned up to celebrate their going on holiday. But... alas, what was eaten - was eaten.
Today I'm going to the cinema, so I saved up some calories to fit popcorn in. I just can't imagine the movie without chewing :)

Exercises

My favourite part... exercises! Yay! So the
week should look as follows... Things in grey italics are optional. I'll do that depending on how I feel after the "obligatory" program is done.

Monday
Yoga in group.
Cardio. At least 50 min non-stop, either treadmill or the elliptical machine. Supergoal: turn fast walking into jogging finally into running. But I'll let that happen when my body will be fully ready for that.Swimming. At least 30 min non-stop + some elements of aquaaerobics (optional, when feel like it)Yoga/Pilates/Stretching workout by myself. In the afternoon, using any video I like.

Tuesday
Power workout by myself. Again, using any video/workout program I like. Cycling to the gym afterwards might be a problem, but I should give it a try.
Swimming. Yoga/Pilates/Stretching workout by myself.

Wednesday
Yoga in group.
Cardio.
Swimming.
Yoga/Pilates/Stretching workout by myself.

Thursday
Power workout by myself.
Swimming. Yoga/Pilates/Stretching workout by myself.

Friday
Yoga in group.
Cardio.
Swimming.
Yoga/Pilates/Stretching workout by myself.

Saturday
Power workout by myself!
Yoga/Pilates/Stretching workout by myself.

Sunday
Yoga/Pilates/Stretching workout by myself.

Remember why you're doing all that. Always remember that.

Eating plans

Right now I'm working on burning down fat plus increasing my metabolism rate. That means I have to:

1. eat well and regularly, consuming about 1500 calories per day (the range is from 1200 to 1700)
2. drink at least 2 liters of water everyday (tea not included)
   
3. consume minimum 85 grams of protein a day (lean meat, low-fat dairy products)
   
4. possibly cut down on fats and bad carbs (more wholegrain stuff, less chocolate)
5. abstain from Cola as long as possible. This is my curse... I'm totally addicted to Diet Cola.
   

I'm no good with fasting, dieting and other ways of self-restricting (or self-destruction?), so I'd stick to the good old healthy eating and exercising route to the beauty.

Nevertheless I envy the girls who have the guts to deprive themselves of food for days to reach their goal weight as qick as possible. I don't approve it, I just wish I had that will power of pure steel. Or maybe I lack motivation...

Loving yourself sometimes can be an obstacle on your way to perfection. I must always remeber that once I "loved myself" to almost 180 lbs...

So here we start

I'm 20 and I want to change my body.
I'm tall - 5'10'' - so when I put on weight I tend to look like a walking whale.
To make things worse I'm a perfect pear, with massive hips and thighs and moderately small breasts. The waist is fantastic, true, but the fat bottom ruins everything.
Anyway, since I was "gifted" with such a height (goddamn low ceilings), I kind of have to be closer to model parameters.


The only trouble is that I've got quite a serious blood disease. Ironically, that's also the reason why I at last have enough time to work on my body...
I'm not "physically challenged" no-no-no-no way. I just refuse to believe, even to see the word. I'm OK. I'm healthy. Just temporarily having some problems. Yeah... that will do for now. Anyway, they said they will cure me, so this is just dome time I have to live through... And I will.

Due to my illness I'm out of uni and almost out of work, so I have tons of time to kill. I think I decided to take up weight loss as a hobby just no to think about...

Back to my lines: I'm able to exercise only 3 weeks in a month, with one week being imprisoned in hospital. There I have to spend most of the day lying down, maybe only 1 or 2 hours leisurely walking, so it's pretty hard to have any effective exercise schedule with restrictions like that.

Anyway, I tried and have already lost 11 lbs since the beginning of April. And I will do more, way more...

I've never led a diary for more than 2 weeks in my life and I'm no great writer, so I'm sorry in advance if I'm too long or dull or wordy... I'm just unable to speak like this to any of my friends or relatives.

I want to be strong, I want to be fit, I want to be beautiful. And I will be.